The family

I don't know why I started this week's blog talking about family; maybe it's because I am currently spending the month of July with them. Staying with my family is great, I love them and ever since I came out to them wheeeeww almost 10 years ago they have loved and supported me. I was lucky, not too many kids get that. I'm not saying they threw me a coming out party, and there was definitely struggle. My mom was a big fag hag in high school so she was just worried I would meet the wrong kind of people that would hurt me, she lost friends to AIDS and I imagine that was front and center when I told her I was bi (I came out as gay a year or two later, for me being bi was a transition). My dad took a bit more work, he wouldn't really look me in the eye for a couple of years after I told him and never wanted to bring it up; it took a while but now he treats it as an unchangeable thing about me, like my vegetarianism or my hair color. Once I started dating guys it became easier, they could wrap their head around it I suppose.

At the same time I was developing an understanding of my gay feelings I was also developing a taste for the kinkier side of life. Plain Jane vanilla porn just didn't do it for me. I craved story, drama even, and then I discovered gay wrestling.

It had everything, hot guys, sweat, action and best of all spandex. As a long time comic book fan I was deeply turned on by tight clothes and spandex, I even joined the swim team my freshman year of high school because I was drawn to the speedos. That was my first kink, spandex and wrestling, and I guarded it like crazy.Gay feelings was one thing but to be turned on by clothes was just weird, right? There were a lot of buts in those early days that kept me from fully identifying and keeping the kink part of me secret. Sure there are kinky guys: but they live in New York or San Francisco; but they're mostly jocks; but they're white; but they wouldn't want someone like me (short, flaco, brown).

It didn't help that my home town's gay community was mostly composed of gay bars and that's it. Any social media sites I went on like gay.com or kinky sites like gearfetish, eyeofthcyclone or globalfight the kinky guys were elsewhere, not here. Sure I heard rumors of a leather scene in my hometown on the border, but I never actually met anyone. Salvation came in a guy from Mexico, across the border, who was willing to meet up and roleplay a little bondage. I was new to bondage, not even sure what I wanted in either a bondage session or a roleplay. I knew I was into KO porn so I wanted to try that. The experience was amazing, it felt so great to actually do something kinky, even if it was just getting "knocked out" in my speedos, tied up and felt by some guy, who would turn out to be a pretty good friend.

The reason I bring this up is because my kink side is something I still hide from my family; while I have met plenty other kinky guys who do want me and who are also non-white, it for some reason can't see myself sharing that part of my sexual life with my parents who love me. I've read excellent blogs about guys who live their public lives in the kink world, guys who compete for IML, guys who have shared their kinkiness with their families, to mixed results. Some like Tynan Fox are definitely courageous and bring greater and greater publicity to kink. And with that comes acceptance, and that gives this kinkster some hope.

But here's the thing, as a Latino I can't readily talk to my parents about sex. Do they know I have sex, of course, but with my family it's a silent thing, something that everyone knows but no one cares to talk about. It wasn't until last year that I began even saying I had sexual attraction and to what type of guys! I have no doubt my parent's have stolen glances at my computer screen when I am on kinkster sites, chatting it up with my friends and bless them they have never said anything. So what keeps me mortified from telling them what I am gaining more confidence in when i talk to fellow graduate students? Do I not trust them to be understanding? Do I think there is a limit to their progressive Catholicism? Do I still think it is only something educated middle-class people can understand and my kind, gentle, Latino parents would be mortified by anything remotely kinky? Because in the end that's internalized racial bullshit, but it's powerful bullshit, it's bullshit that I know is shit, I know intellectually it's shit, but I can't stop thinking it's real.